Some things your barista won't say to your face.

I have been a barista for 3+ years. This is a bitch-list I made at four am while waiting for a customer to come. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love my job too much. But sometimes a girl needs to vent!

1. This is not Starbucks. Our sizes are not tall, grande or venti. Nor are they small, medium or large. Order by the ounce.
2. I don't know what temperature drinkable or extra hot is to you. If you can't give me an accurate temperature, I can't please you.
3. Don't question me, there is a reason I work here and you don't.
4. Again, we are not Starbucks. We don't have pumps on our syrups, mostly because we carry too many to waste that kind of space. So when you tell me you want a two pump skinny vanilla double grande, guess what, I make it extra sweet just to piss you off.
5. Skinny. And by skinny do you mean just sugar free, just fat free, or both?
6. I don't tell you the water is 200 degrees as a joke. This water is literally two hundred degrees, twelve degrees short of boiling. It will burn the top layer off your tounge. So when you tell me not to cool it down, I do NOT feel sorry for you.
7. I am not a therapist. I have my own problems and I don't get paid enough to listen to yours.
8. A caramel macchiato stirred is just a caramel latte. Using the word macchiato does not make you a coffee aficionado.
9. Please do not come to my window and order "coffee". That's like going to McDonalds and asking for food. Really?
10. It is a special treat for you if I remember your drink. It is not a job requirement to remember 100 different customers drinks. So please, do not scoff at me when I ask what you're having.
11. It's espresso, not expresso.
12. A 16 double and a 20 double have the same amount of caffeine in them. Common sense, right?
13. Want to bitch about our prices? Leave. They aren't changing for you.
14. "You look tired." No shit? I've been up since 3 am serving your ungrateful asses.
15. Don't apologize for not tipping, it makes this exchange more awkward than it needs to be.
16. I work in a 10 foot by eight foot box. And in that box there is one small refrigerator, one giant refrigerator, a freezer, an ice machine, a grinder, an espresso machine running at all times. It is LOUD in here. Don't whisper to me because I can't hear you.
17. Our garbage can is not your garbage can.

On the flip side, feel free to do the following.
1. Talk to me about places you've been.
2. Tell me about your life, the positive non white trash parts of it.
3. Bring your cute dogs/children in for me to see.
4. Thank me for making your drink fast and delicious.
5. Learn my name and I'll return the favor.


I feel better.